The Moon's bleeding .

i peer around ... and i can see faces ...
i concentrate ... and i can hear voices ...
nothing makes sense.
i zone out ...
into a land all my own .

wat do i see?
fresh green Grass ...
blades shy .. of the first touch of dew.
misty chilly Air ...
smug gleeful ... guarding the secret of oncoming winter.
silver shimmering Lake ...
deep silent ... yet giggling a thousand ripples with one poke.

an Hourglass turning over.

Curious Wondering Eyes ...
Beautiful Untouched ... cackling with the Innocence of childhood.
breathing in the Free world .
peering deep beyond the surface ...
blissful delight ...
at the image shimmering on the surface ...
the Moon ...
little Hands reaching out ...
to stake claim ...
on the silver prize... the elusive reflection ...
the shining Moonbeam ...
slinking away on the water...

the Sand slipping through .

triumphant little Hands touching it ,
and crying out ...
with pain .
Curious Wondering ..n now .. Fearful Eyes look up ..
to see the Moon ...
Bleeding .

"The Moon's bleeding".
faces turn .
voices stop .

i am at dinner with friends .

y ?

y is suicide illegal ??
its like saying "hey man .. u've fucked up n thts probably y u want to end it all .. but god forbid , shud u fail .. v r alwez there .. to make u regret it .. not the act itself .. but tht it wasnt foolproof enuff ! "

dont get me wrong .. i m not the suicidal type .. (this n the last post aside :D) in fact i have nothing but the deepest of contempt for ne chap who thinks his own life is not worth living just coz of sum prob which is probably not worth thinking twice about ...my views on this are ,regrettably,rather dichotomous ..(wht if u r hopelessly bored with it all? wht if nothing seems worth the trouble? wht if the meaninglessness of it all seems too much to bear? i seem to find it more pardonable in this case than i do when it is just a form of escapism ... but then this too is escapism, albeit from mind-numbing boredom n stagnation!!! ) But overall , i like living .. (by my own standards of wht i call living ) ... i like to think therez lotz left for me to learn n see (n probably hate).... n ceasing to exist does seem a rather sad choice to make ....

But all tht is besides the point ... y is it by law illegal ??
A man doesn't get to choose whr he is born , into wht age , in wht circumstances , in which stage of human evolution ..
more often than not his life is a series of incidental happenings bound together by "fate" over which he has limited control , if any ... his life being entwined with a million others ... through layer after layer of mostly meaningless interactions ...
if there is any real power of choice he has ... it is to say "well , i've had enuff " .
so then y , in anybody's name , y take tht away from him ???

so this is wht it felt like ?
life ebbing away ...
slowly.. taking its own sweet time
she looked down at herself...
bleeding ... weak ... alone ..
oh well ...
it was probably for the best ..
the cold hard floor against her back ...
the warmth of her own blood
a gentle melody filled her ears ...
she smiled weakly ..
there was as yet no tunnel or a light ..
those fibbers .. with their promise of heaven ..
and their threat of hell ..
wudnt it be fun??
coming back n telling them to their face ..
tht they were bloody wrong ..
with all their codes .. of morally right and wrong ..
just like she alwez knew they were ..
but tht wasnt the point ..
or was it ?
her head was swimming ..
her eyelids felt like lead ..
the music seemed louder ...
wht was the point?
it had something to do with her life ....
she had to remember ...
her life ....
she was on the floor ..
mom dad ??
she smiled .. they loved her ..
so much .. it hurt ...
no.. tht wasnt the point ...
a gaping wound bleeding ...
the purposelessness of it all ??
no ... it was all meaningless .. she'd alwez felt tht ..
tht wasnt the point either ...
the ceiling was beginning to spin ...
the music shrill ...
the disgust ??
the ennui ??
the hopelessness ??
the anger ??
the helplessness ??
where did her triumph lie ??
her world was closing in on her ..
the crescendo reached ...
where did her triumph lie ??
she unclenched her fists ...
n that was it ...
liberated ... free ...
achieving in death wht in life she cud only dream of ...
the freedom ... to choose ..
let them say its wrong ...
let them say its sinful..
she was wht she was ... now ..
free from judgement .. of wht she chose..
forcing acceptance .. of wht she was ...
she chose ...
the clink of a blade ...
and all was still .

An incredible amount of time to kill .....

An incredible amount of time ... n how i wasted it !!!
But it was kinda fun :-D

Ladka ki ladki ?? -------- 54% feminine n 46% masculine !!!!!!

You are in touch with both your feminine and masculine sides.You're sensitive at the right times, but you don't let your emotions overwhelm you.You're not a eunuch, just the best of both genders.

Are You Masculine or Feminine?

he he he !!


i am sick of being told this one : You may be a BIT Borderline !! (me: a bit ???)

Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame!When you're up, you're a little bit crazy...And when you're down, your whole world is crashingScary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!

What Personality Disorder Are You?

i m normal :D --------- You are 60% weird !!! (me : thank u thank u *blush*!! )

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right?But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

so tell me something i dont know !!! --- Your true love is a scorpio ( me : yeahhh ... )

Why you'll love a Scorpio: Strong and sexy, Scorpio will overpower you into falling in love (before you even realize it!).You'll love being swept away by Scorpio - into a world of insane passion. Why a Scorpio will love you: You don't mind letting your Scorpio take the reigns, as long as you know you're truly cared for.Loyal and devoted, you would never do anything to set off insanely jealous Scorpio.

What Sign Is Your True Love?

I have alwez wanted to -------- You should learn French !!!

C'est super! You appreciate the finer things in life... wine, art, cheese, love affairs.You are definitely a Parisian at heart. You just need your tongue to catch up...

What Language Should You Learn?

almost right ----------------- You are an atheist .

When it comes to religion, you're a non-believer (simple as that).You prefer to think about what's known and proven.You don't need religion to solve life's problems.Instead, you tend to work things out with logic and philosophy.

What's" Your Religious Philosophy?

do we need a fight club?

"Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables-slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war . . . our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." - fight club.

its scary ... in a weird unexplainable manner i cud relate to this movie ... while my friends screwed and unscrewed their faces at all the blood and gore ... i found myself fascinated ,even riveted ... the violence was to me more symbolic than physical ... well... the movie got me thinking ... so much so tht i started the book ...

"We are the middle children of history.. no purpose or place" ... rebels ... without a cause ... sucked into accepting the everyday muck ...
at times so angry within ... so angry tht the unavailabilty of a gun is the only reason the next guy is alive ...
at times so despondent ... at others so indifferent ...
with the anger and frustration piling in ... without really knowing why or directed at wht ....

do we need a fight club ??

Innocence ... almost unbearable innocence...

I dont have the heart to tell them the truth .

Thank you...

i saw the night sky .
i saw stars , twinkling with the glee of a million happy secrets.
winking back at you from the depths of space.
i saw beauty , calm , eternity.
i see the night sky .
Void . Empty. Relentless.Unending.
I understand .

i felt the rain .
lively droplets pinching my face
soaked in the joy of blessed showers
bringing to life every inch of my being
i feel the rain.
sharp droplets beating against me
drenched in the pain of a million tears
yet evoking not one from me .
i understand.

changing reality ?
or a different mirror of perception?
the birth of new evils ?
or a rude awakening to existing ones?
a child-like denial of things vile ?
or is this wht they call growing up ?

is this wht it feels like ?
an ice cold shell around my heart

Seeing . Hearing . Touching .
Breathing.
Not alive .

Indifferent . Cold. Numb.
Unfeeling.
Not dead.

Trudging along with leaden steps
watching with cold disdain as they all fall
one by one - on their knees
crawling and grovelling in the slime
their filthy hands reaching out for me
determined to bring me down too

i look. Cold hatred in every fibre .
i see. Chilling fear down my spine.
was this going to be my end ?

A gentle pressure on my hand
and something inside melts away.
i turn to look up into ur eyes
and they speak down to me
they tell me of joys , of pain,
of a million trials , all in vain
of a spirit emerged , unbroken , strong
of a resolve to see me thru this pain.
U answer my questions unasked
and smile away my fears
while ur lips whisper in my ear
it's just the other side .
the Dirt , the Filth was alwez thr
its just ur choice to make.

I look up again
i see the night sky .
Black . Void . With a million stars.
You close my eyes.
i feel the rain against my face
drenched in joy and pain.
You kiss my lips.
an ice cold shell melts .
i can feel again.

Alive again.

You say ur catcher failed u ...
i m glad mine didn't.

Unforgiven...

A new day .. a new life..
But it doesn't leave me alone .
The cold call of Mnemosyne,
to face it .. to brave it ...
to let go .., forgive.
She follows me .. evrywhr i go ..
Her ministrels ...seeping thru
long dark corridors ..
dank , lonely , hushed
leadin to the Door.
Closed. Shut . Untouched.
Unforgotten .


Time and again ..i give in
Echoing footsteps back in time
sucked into the hush,
the forced hush of impatient voices ..
Inching closer to the untouched cold Door.
the hush more forced ..the voices urgent .
She urges me on ...
time to face it .. to brave it ...
to let go ... forgive.
Open the Door.
Closed . Shut. Untouched.
Unforgotten.


Trembling fingers bracing to push ,
one ear against the door ..
Strains of the giggles of a childhood long lost,
warmth... care...happy smiles.
Lullabies sung to a happy doll,
Laughter in the afternoon swings,
stiffled by a million hands
tearing to shreds
the Robe of Innocence ..
leaving in its wake
a Shroud of Bewilderment..Hurt..Anger...Rage..
shriller and shriller the Lullaby gets ..
till it breaks into Screams..
hushed into uneasy Silence by the Door.
Closed. Shut. Untouched .
Uunforgotten.


Let go ? Unleash tht Hurt ..tht Anger..
tht Hatred suppressed ..?
Courage failed .. Fear reigned .
Fear of tht beast within, aching to lash out..
refusing to trust ...
I retreat...
hating the burden with every bit of me ..
bearing it still...
I retreat...
ignoring Her urging.. fleeing the cold and damp
to the warmth and freedom ...
I retreat into today ...
to my life , my love , my happiness ..
repressing a shudder everytime i look ..
over the shoulder ..
at the Door.
Closed. Shut . Untouched.
Unforgotten.

Unforgiven.

I feel shame ...

Shame ...
I feel .... Shame ...

I feel the crimson blush of shame ...
the shame of a nation betrayed by her custodians ...
a future compromised ... in the name of empowering one and all ...
a land divided ... on lines of by what name do God we call ...
where a father wont hesitate to lay down his beloved daughter a wreath,
because God forbid she loved into a caste beneath ...
where rioters and criminals are free larks ...
because the police are busy patroling the parks ...
where pilgrims are burnt in trains alive ...
by people who take God's name by the day times five
where harmony and peace a big price do pay ...
to zealots who cry - "mandir yahin banayenge" ...
where to remember brave martyrs we fail ...
while we read what a 'star' had for dinner in jail ...
where issues are raised in Parliament for dough ...
by politicians who could sink no further low ...
where to get work done officials must be fed ...
while "satyamev jayate " beams over their head ...

Where is the shame tht is in their lot?
in view of the culture they have left to rot ...
For every bit of shame they do fake ...
here , my country , I bow my head and take ....
Shame ....

Rootless ..but free ?

"I am comparing gravity with belonging. Both phenomena observably exist: my feet stay on the ground, and I have never been angrier than on the day my father told me he had sold my childhood home in Bombay. But neither is understood. We know the force of gravity, but not its origins; and to explain why we become attached to our birthplaces we pretend that we are trees and speak of roots. Look under your feet. You will not find gnarled growths spouting through the soles. Roots, I sometimes think, are a conservative myth, designed to keep us in our places.
"When individuals come unstuck from their native land, they are called migrants. When nations do the same (Bangladesh), the act is called secession. What is the best thing about migrant peoples and seceded nations? I think it is their hopefulness. . . . And what's the worst thing? It is the emptiness of one's luggage. I'm speaking of invisible suitcases, not the physical, perhaps cardboard, variety containing a few meaning-drained mementoes: we have come unstuck from more than land. We have floated upwards from history from memory, from Time."
- Salman Rushdie

Growing up , i alwez thought this concept of roots was over-rated . Having been born and brought up in a place very different - culturally , geographically and linguistically - from the region ppl call my "native"place ... i never bothered with the question of whr i belonged... In fact I prided myself on this detachment from any particular place ..on this ability to settle in whrever time or fate takes me ... It was just a part of tht emotional baggage tht i dint want to have to carry arnd ...
As a kid it was ok.. i belonged whr my home was... but things have changed ... parents have relocated whr they felt they shud be .. and i am caught at a crossroads whr i dont know whr home is ... i mean sure ,mom dad rock ...and i love the new house ...but its not home .... and all the old houses and places i have lived in evoke nostalgia ....but they dont call out to me ..... Thrz no place tht tugs at my heart the way my frenz describe their homecomings... Time and again these days i find myself lost ... longing for a place i belong .. a place i can call my home .... The normal confusion of a young girl trying to fit in sumwhr ... or a deep-rooted unfulfilled need to belong ???

a look ... in the lookin glass

a look ....

at the world around me ....
its existence ... its absurdity ....
its beauty ... its grotesquerie ....

at its inhabitants ....
their relevance ... their insignificance ...
n how they fit in the scheme of things ...

n a long hard look at myself ...
trying ever more to decipher ...
those thoughts ...
eccentric reflections ...
arbit flights of fantasy ...
abyssmal depths of depression...
exhilarating heights of extasy ...
beautiful companionship of friendship ...
uplifting contentment of love ...


in the looking glass ...